Fight or Flee?
by Fiery Goddess of Ice
Summary: They say it can’t be done. But can it? Anything is possible, especially when Colonel Roy Mustang Flame Alchemist, is on the case. Fullmetal doesn’t stand a chance. No real spoilers.


**Fight or Flee?**

**Was It Worth It?**

Summary: They say it can't be done. But can it? Anything is possible, especially when Colonel Roy Mustang; Flame Alchemist, is on the case. Fullmetal doesn't stand a chance. No real spoilers.

Disclaimer: I don't own fma. It's unfortunate, but I don't. If I did, then Ed would probably never be taken seriously. At all. Ever. And Roy Mustang would be in the show a _lot_ more.

Warning: I don't know anything about the fma monetary system. All I know is that their money is cenz. I'm just gonna say that 1000 cenz in my fic is a small amount of money for betting. This is based on episode 37 when they bet 10000 cenz each. Also, I don't think that 'hell' and 'damn' are bad enough swear words to take the rating up, but if I'm wrong then tell me and I'll change it.

A/N: Everyone should go talk to me on my LJ account, cause I just got it working! Yay!

* * *

"Well, Mr Blackadder always says, when the going gets tough, the tough hide under the table." _Baldrick_

_

* * *

"It can't be done."_

"Anything's possible Havoc," replied Falman with a grin.

"Doubt it would happen while he's conscious though," Breda said.

"Well, Hawkeye could probably force him to," Fuery commented. "She's good at that."

Colonel Roy Mustang looked up from his newspaper as curiosity got the better of him. If they were talking about getting Hawkeye to force someone to do something, it certainly didn't bode well for him.

"What are you talking about?" he questioned suspiciously.

"Sorry Colonel, we were just arguing over the possibility of setting Hawkeye on Ed Elric," Breda told him.

"Oh. Carry on then," Roy replied, returning to his newspaper.

"I still say it's not possible," Havoc stated.

"Come on! How hard could it be to get him to take a sip of milk?" Fuery asked.

The other three fell silent and looked at each other. As one, they all shuddered. Roy, however, looked up from his newspaper once again.

"You're talking about getting Fullmetal to drink milk?" he asked, just to confirm.

"Yeah, we know that he hates the stuff and even that Winry girl couldn't force him to have any," Falman said.

Roy smirked and folded up the newspaper. "I could do that."

The four officers looked at each other disbelievingly, then back at the (obviously delusional) Flame Alchemist.

"Uh, no offence Colonel, but Ed doesn't exactly trust you," Havoc pointed out. "And with good reason," he muttered to himself.

"Don't be ridiculous Havoc. I don't need Fullmetal to trust me to be able to get him to drink a little milk. I simply need to be sneaky and underhanded about it," Roy stated with a superior smirk.

"So no real trouble for you, huh?" Breda sniggered.

Roy glared at his underling while trying to figure out if being called sneaky and underhanded was an insult or a compliment. Coming from them it was probably supposed to be an insult, but he decided to ignore it. For the time being.

"Nope. Even if the Colonel's on the case, it still can't be done," Havoc said resolutely.

Roy's eyes suddenly lit up. "How much do you want to bet on that?"

All of the eyes in the room gained a glint that only appeared in the face of making a ton of money from gambling.

"1000 cenz," Havoc replied. "It has to be pure milk and you can't have someone else giving it to him for you."

"Only 1000 cenz?" Roy asked, slightly disappointed.

"I'm still recovering from the last time we bet on how long your girlfr- I mean, a poker game. The last time we bet on a poker game…" Havoc grinned innocently.

"Real smooth," Falman muttered.

Roy sighed. "Fine then, 1000 cenz it is. And I agree to the terms. Anyone else?" he questioned.

The other three officers raised their hands instantly. Almost all of his underlings were obsessed with gambling. Good thing too, or he might never have enough money to spend on his numerous dates. He hadn't spent his own money on a date for quite some time. Roy smirked. He wondered if they knew that when they were betting on how long his girlfriends were going to last.

----- Fight or Flee ----- Fight or Flee -----

Roy Mustang smirked evilly as his target came into view.

Edward Elric was walking into the mess hall (A/N, not entirely sure if that's what it's called, but it's good enough) with his armoured brother to get his lunch. If all went well he would be getting the same thing he got every other day. A couple of simple sandwiches and a strawberry thickshake.

It had made the Colonel wonder if Ed realised that he was voluntarily drinking an amount of milk every day. That is, it had made him wonder until his curiosity had grown enough for him to ask the woman serving the food about it and had found out that it was made of pure ice-cream and flavouring.

There was still a bit of milk in there but nowhere near as much, and what was in the drink would never be tasted as it was completely outweighed by the amount of sugar. Roy had to question how Fullmetal was still in shape.

As soon as Fullmetal and Alphonse sat down at a table, Roy walked over with his own lunch and his secret weapon. Fortunately the mess hall was crowded, as usual, and so it wouldn't seem too suspicious that he sat down near the Elric brothers.

Ed looked at him suspiciously as he sat down on the opposite side of the table.

"What do you want?" Ed demanded.

"Is that any way to talk to a Colonel?" Roy asked.

The teenager simply glared at him.

Roy sighed. "Fullmetal, take a good look around. Can you see many empty seats?" Edward continued glaring at him. "I didn't think so."

"Sorry about him Colonel Mustang," came the echoing voice of Alphonse Elric from his brother's side. "He's just grumpy because we haven't gotten any new leads on the Stone and we're stuck here until Ed gets an assignment."

"You might be waiting a while, it's easy to _overlook_ Fullmetal," Roy smirked.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A MIDGET THAT IS SO SHORT THEY ARE TOO PUNY TO BE REMEMBERED!?!" Ed yelled whilst wildly waving his arms around.

This then caused a very fortunate chain reaction. Fortunate for Roy Mustang, that is.

The person sitting next to Al started, dropping his drink of water and causing it to splash onto Al. Ed, fearing for his brother's blood seal, instantly turned to check that his little brother was still alive… or as alive as he had been, what with him being a suit of armour and all. This gave Roy ample opportunity to swap his own drink (the disguised secret weapon) for Fullmetal's.

Another fortunate thing was that all of the cups at the Headquarters were exactly the same. All it took for Roy to have the milk look exactly like the thickshake was to put in a few drops of red food die and swap the two drinks.

Finally, after making sure to yell at the irresponsible officer who had spilt the drink, Ed sat back down with a sigh and picked up his drink.

"Damn military," he muttered, then closed his eyes and took a large gulp of the drink.

Fullmetal's eyes burst open instantly and he began to cough. But it was too late; he had already swallowed the milk. Roy contemplated the merits of cackling evilly. This would certainly teach his four underlings not to underestimate the great Colonel Mustang!

"MILK!?!" Fullmetal exclaimed, looking at the drink. "WHO THE HELL GAVE ME COLOURED MILK?!"

"Fullmetal, you're overreacting. It's just a little milk," Roy stated with a triumphant smirk, which differed slightly from his superior smirk or his everyday smirk.

Ed rounded on him. "_You!_ You did this!" he accused.

"Me?" he asked innocently, standing up.

This was it. It was either fight or flee for Colonel Roy Mustang now.

"Yes, you!" Fullmetal growled, his eye twitching dangerously.

Flee.

Roy spotted Hawkeye standing up, about to leave the mess hall, and walked briskly towards her. What made it better was that not only could she protect him from Fullmetal, she was on the opposite side of the room, and distance was certainly the one thing that Colonel Mustang wanted between him and the Fullmetal Alchemist.

Ed was so surprised at Mustang simply running away, he didn't start chasing after him. At least, not until…

"Havoc, Falman, Fuery, Breda! You owe me 1000 cenz each!" Roy yelled to them from safe behind Hawkeye.

The four officers made themselves as small as physically possible in order to avoid the wrath of Edward Elric. What was that old saying? Hell hath no fury like Edward Elric scorned.

"_You can run, but you can't hide!!!_" Fullmetal shouted at him from the other side of the mess hall.

"Oh, I can hide, Fullmetal!" Roy yelled back. "I'll show you how well I can hide!" Roy turned to Hawkeye. "He thinks I can't hide! HA!"

Riza sweatdropped. "He doesn't know who he's messing with," she replied dryly.

"Exactly!"

And with that, the Flame Alchemist, Colonel Roy Mustang, raced from the mess hall and the insane lunatic midget it contained. As said midget ran after the Colonel with intent to kill, the officers in the hall heard one last thing from the soon to be Ex-Colonel.

"_That was definitely worth it!_"

* * *

**Author's Note**

Wow, I think I'm getting the hang of these one-shots!

Well, this is my first fma fic, and I'm happy with it, so please review me! _:makes puppy eyes: _Sorry if people are out of character, but we don't really get to see much of the Military guys, unfortunately. _:sigh:_

My friend should be happy, she's as obsessed with fma as I am and I didn't put any spoilers in here so that she can read it. I've watched the entire series (half of it in Japanese) but my friend wants to wait for the English dubbed DVDs to come out here in Australia. I think she's insane, but oh well.

Special thanks to **Lady of the Northern Mountains** for pointing out to me how to spell!

This was inspired by a quote from Monk;  
"_You can run but you can't hide!"  
_"_Oh I can hide! I'll show you how well I can hide! He thinks I can't hide!"  
_"_He doesn't know who he's messing with."_


End file.
